emo ranting

i'm here on my bed, back at my comfort zone, somewhere i can really feel safe & let my guards down. just when i thought that i have seen & experience much more than many youngsters of my age, i realise, "much more" is never enough. this world is way too big, way too practical. there is no limit to how much ugliness you can be exposed to & in order to survive, should be exposed to. too many ugly creatures out there can't wait for you to fall from your grace, i can't help but wonder, how are you going to counter them? it is really true that if you cant beat them, join them? or in this dog eat dog society, we should kill them off first before they kill you? but if so, what makes you different from them? maybe.. there isnt any difference after all. we're all equally competitive in one another's eye. & ppl that don't understand this fact, sadly but definitely get eliminated from the game. i always thought that i have my method of surviving in this game. to stay away from the politics the witches are playing, to stay in the light. but when you are in the light undisturbed by all the politics, you become an easy target. no matter what, u're the only one in the light while e rest are in the darkness. u never know how many of them are out there, are they plotting against you, or are they even joining forces to eliminate you. i always thought that i can jolly well turn a deaf ear to all the negative feedbacks & comments ppl post on me & just do my job well. as long as i did my part, no one can attack you from any way, right? i use to think so too. but well, im wrong. how is it possible that anyone can be immune to backstabbers? peifen once mention to me before. she said that i over cared about how people feel about me, how people judge me. i guess all along i know that i'm not that strong & this flaw is enough to make me very vulnerable. that is why i build up layers & layers of self protection to stop anyone from getting close to even hurting me. & this makes me appear really strong on the outside. i always believe that the ultimate solution to all the shit holes out there are to have 3 groups of people to back you up to gurantee ur survival in the society. they are ur family, ur best friends & lastly that special someone. they might not be able to help u rise up the management ladder, but they definitely play a major role in providing morale support in which in my opinion, is the only thing that can last you through everything. luckily for me, i have all 3. that is why whatever shit happens, i always manage to find strength & courage to move on. but im jus wondering, is there a possibility that 1 group of maybe even 2 betray me? is it really right for me to rely so much on the emotional support they are giving me? what happen if one day i'm to lose any of them? will i still be able to carry on as i have successfully & beautifully did for the past few years? i fall a couple years back, my best friends & the special someone at that time betrayed me. it took me soooooo long to be back on the path, & even till now i cannot say that i have shaken off the nightmare. am i able to withstand the same thing for the second time? will i be able to stand up on my own again? is my ultimate solution that foolproof afterall? when you're already tired of the whole game & yet u cant quit, but u still do not have enough faith in the people in ur circles, just what exactly should u do? what should i do?